


Everything A Goddamn Ordeal In Local Family

by Justacityboy, marvinbrown



Series: it's a gotdamn Professor au [6]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: But they're here anyway, Fluff, I'll add more character tags as I go, Multi, a few of them won't be making an appearance until later chapters, anyways for once i dont have much more to say just read the fic, anyways read the fic!!!!, i've hyped this up so much in the discord i hope this meets yalls standards, like by name, the ones in the first chapter are just those that are mentioned in it, wait one more thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2020-11-28 02:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20958686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justacityboy/pseuds/Justacityboy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvinbrown/pseuds/marvinbrown
Summary: i refuse to give any more details than necessary but let's just say I did a lot of research into Jewish wedding traditions and customs





	1. to quote dr strange, we're in the end(start)game now

**Author's Note:**

> aw man..... we back at it again and this time I've taken someone else's input and put it into the story, so thank witherbrown for the trindel interlude!!!
> 
> also i've been meaning to ask this for a while but if you're Jewish and reading this and thinking "what the fuck is this idiot talking about" in regards to the ways I've included the character's religion, then please feel more than welcome to contact me about it on my tumblr, writingbitchass, as I am Not Jewish and really want to respect your religion and traditions and customs and culture and EVERYTHING so yeah 
> 
> but yeah!!! here's chapter one of a thing i've been working on for a while!!!!

“I’m going to force you into renewing your vows.”

“But WHY?!” 

“BECAUSE I WASN’T AROUND FOR YOUR ORIGINAL WEDDING AND I DESERVE THIS!” 

Distantly, Whizzer stuck his head out of his office and yelled, “Also I FEEL BAD because everybody was FIGHTING and also I need ideas for my WEDDING!” 

Mendel and Delia looked at him. 

“You’re getting married?” Delia asked, her hands still poised to grab Mendel by the shoulders to literally shake some sense into him. 

“You’re LEAVING ME?!” Cried Mendel, looking very upset for someone who’d been threatening bloodlines a few minutes ago. Lilo & Stitch’s Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride was playing on a loop in the background. 

“Okay, 1.) I’ll be getting married once I work up the nerve to ask Mr. Rat Man if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and 2.) Babe, I would never leave you. Jungle Homies forever, bro.” He opened his arms and pulled Mendel in for a hug, letting Mendel cry into his chest. He really was a whole theme park of emotional roller coasters. “Shhhh, buddy, it’s okay, you’re gonna be okay.” Mendel managed to compose himself and looked up at Whizzer lovingly. 

“You two are like an old married couple, I swear.” Delia said as she snapped some pictures of the two and made the mental note to put them in her blackmail folder. 

“Well, we are married.” Mendel said from his position of being tucked into Whizzer’s chest as they slow danced around the room. 

“Is THAT what the ring on my finger is?!” 

“YEAH HOMIE REMEMBER VEGAS” 

“Oh my GOD that was AMAZING” 

“YEAH” 

“WE NEVER ACTUALLY GOT DIVORCED?” 

“YEAH WE NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT” 

“SO EVERYTHING I’VE DONE WITH MARVIN SINCE VEGAS HAS BEEN ME CHEATING ON YOU?” 

Mendel paused for a moment, taking this into account, and promptly began crying. Delia had begun taking a video a while ago, and was elated at her luck in being able to film such an encounter. 

“Oh, no, homie, if I had known, I swear to you we would’ve been together, bro! I love you so much, man!” 

Mendel sniffled loudly and looked up at Whizzer. Whizzer placed his hands on either side of Mendel’s face, and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

Delia cleared her throat. 

“Okay, I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t be seeing this, but it’s like watching a soap opera! Either way, Mendel, buddy, could you ask Trina about renewing your vows?” 

Mendel nodded from where he was, wrapped around Whizzer, slowly rocking back and forth. 

-

“Trii-naa,” Mendel sing-songs, entering the kitchen early one morning. 

He’s holding a Mystery Bag in his hand. 

“Mennndeel,” Trina sings back from her seat at the table.

“Whatcha doin’?” She asks in her now normal voice, motioning towards the bag with her mug of tea. 

“Oh, uh,” He shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. “Well, I have the day off today.”

Trina nods, both to encourage him to keep going with his explanation, and to acknowledge that she’s already aware of his work schedule, as she’s the one who oversees it and often is the one to constantly remind him of where he’s supposed to be and when. Mendel clears his throat and looks her in the eye.

“And I was wondering if I could ask you something” He pauses, looking away. “If that’s cool.”

Trina hums. “Of course, honey. Though I am wondering why you need a full day off to ask me a question.” 

“It’s uhhh, kind of a biggie.” He responds. 

“Oh?” She asks back, stirring her tea with a cinnamon stick.

“I was just wondering if since, like, when we first got married everyone was kind of fighting and Charlotte and Delia weren’t around, if you’d want to maybe, oh, I dunno...” he stammers, and trails off.

Trina cocks an eyebrow. “Why don’t you use your big boy words and finish your question, sweetheart,” she sips her tea, “I swear, Jason and Marvin are better communicators than you.”

He rolls his eyes, not being able to help giggling at that. He remembers the situation at hand. 

“It was just that maybe I thought you’d possibly want to...” He trails off, secretly hoping the tilt of his head will voice the words he’s unable to come up with.

“Want to...” Trina repeats, helping him along.

“Y’know…” He mumbles.

She shakes her head. “No, I don’t know. Unless…”

“Unless?” he asks, unintentionally making a McElroy reference.  
Trina stands up and leans against the kitchen table, crossing her arms.

“Mendel, are you about to admit to me that you’ve been having an affair with Whizzer?” she questions, half-jokingly. 

Mendel’s eyes widen. He’s stalled too long.

“No! N-No, Trina, I’m- Oh, I’m just trying to ask if you wanna renew our vows!” His eyes widen in surprise at himself for a moment before squeezing shut and his shoulders coming up in his best impression of a turtle. 

She sets her mug down on the table, and slowly makes her way over to where he’s standing, still in full turtle mode. She tilts his head up and kisses him slowly, her arms drifting to wrap around his waist and lift him up ever so slightly so he can kiss her back.

The couple pulls apart after a few seconds. 

“I love you so much, you know that?” She asks, thumbing his cheek. 

Mendel might just tear up. He nods a little, looking way more shy and cute than he has the right to be.

“I love you so much. Do you know that?” He asks quietly, tilting his head back to gaze at her in that stupid sweet way he does. 

Trina sighs, looking up at the ceiling for a brief moment.

“It’s taken me a little while,” she pauses, breathing in, “But yes, I do 100% know that.”

He looks at her, play-angry.

“Oh so you’re just now deciding? I’m all “Heyy, Trina, let’s renew our wedding vows!” and you’re mentally going “Yeah, okay, he’s fine, this guy’ll do.” 

She giggles quietly, and adds, “Yeah, this guy’s adequate,” her eyes widen as she snorts out a laugh and quickly continues, “Takes the strap like a champ, though. He’s got that going for him.” 

Soon, she’s in hysterics while he’s claiming, “Of course I do! That’s one of my special talents! Trina, I put that on my résumé, and I’m still certain it’s how I got the job.” 

“Alright,” she says, ruffling his dark curls, “Of course I want to renew our vows. I think it’ll be very romantic, and it’ll be nice since Marvin won’t be quite so much of an ass.”

-

Bottom’s Club Discord: Voice Chat

Frick Brownsenbachfeld: “SHE SAID YEEEEEEEES!”  
Piss Brown: “YEEEEAAAAH!”  
Cordeliyall: “That’s great to hear! I’m headed to my dealers, any specific dish requests?”  
Frick Brownsenbachfeld: “Yeah can I get some weed?”  
Cordeliyall: “By ‘dealers’ I meant farmers market. I’m sorry to hear you’re a stoner.”  
Frick Brownsenbachfeld: “Fine can I get some spaghettios and Trina wants filet mignon or some fancy thing like that.”  
Piss Brown: “Mendel filet mignon is literally just fancy steak.”  
Frick Brownsenbachfeld: “You tellin’ me regular steak isn’t a delicacy? A fancy meal? A unique piece of cuisine? Unreal.”  
Cordeliyall: “WHIZZER!”  
Piss Brown: “YES, MA’AM!”  
Cordeliyall: “PLAN OUT TWO BACHELOR PARTIES AND TWO BACHELORETTE PARTIES!”  
Piss Brown: “MAY I ASK WHY THERE NEEDS TO BE TWO OF EACH?!”  
Cordeliyall: “BECAUSE THERE NEEDS TO BE ONE FOR ONLY ADULTS AND ONE WHERE JASON CAN BE INVOLVED”  
Piss Brown: “UNDERSTANDABLE HAVE AN AMAZING DAY”  
Frick Brownsenbachfeld: “I love you guys.” 

-

“Heyyyyyy, Trina!” 

She looked up from the papers she was grading. 

“Whizzer.” 

Whizzer slowly boogied his way into her office, looking like every youth minister coming into your small group meeting to relate the Bible story you’ve been reading to the Youths Of Today, even though it’s a story about a woman marrying so her mother in law can keep- I don’t know, her house? I’m pretty sure her son died or some shit, but I was more focused on the fact that she laid at her betrothed’s feet for a night. Shit’s nasty. 

Anyways. 

“I was wondering, if, hypothetically, you were to have two bachelorette parties, one of which with children present, the other being adults only, what would, ideally, be on the itinerary?” 

She sighed and leaned back in her chair. 

“I’m not an idiot, you can save your sorry attempts at being vague for Marvin.” 

Whizzer opened his mouth to defend himself, but noticed her wearing the Jewish-American Princess shirt he’d gotten her for her birthday underneath her Mom Cardigan. You know the kind. 

She noticed him staring at her chest. 

“My eyes are up here, Whizzer.” He snapped out of his spiral of she likes the shirt well enough to wear it in public oh my GOD she likes something I gave her AAAAAAAHHHH and replied, “Oh, no, it’s nothing! Your shirt just caught my eye.” He smiled at her. “It looks nice.” Her expression softened marginally, and she cleared her throat. 

“Well, let’s get on with it. My ideal bachelorette party, which I’m guessing would be with Charlotte and Cordelia, would be to go thrifting in the morning, then going for lunch at a little local restaurant and then going antique shopping. Afterwards, we’d grab dinner at some sorta fancy place and go see a show on Broadway, then I come home and I might watch some TV, maybe listen to a musical while I paint, then go to bed.” Whizzer Looked at her. 

“That was so on brand, I can’t imagine anything that would better trigger my Trina Sense™. But okay! I can make that happen! What about the child inclusive party?” She sighed. 

“Probably a tour of parks around the city or state or wherever.” 

“So you’d just wanna go around walking through parks?” 

“Children enjoy going outside, don’t they? Boom. Park.” 

“Okay, would you want to go to dinner and another show in the evening?” 

She began spinning slowly in her chair like a Bond villain. 

“Well, I’d either go to Beetlejuice, Hadestown, or The Prom, but alas, the American Theatre Wing is homophobic. I mean, Tootsie?!” She took a calming breath and continued. “I think Hadestown for the adults-only, and Beetlejuice for the one with Jason and Veronica.” Whizzer finished jotting down his notes. 

“Great! Have an amazing day!” 

He gathered his things and hustled out of her office, completely oblivious to the fond smile she threw his way before returning to her work. 

-

“Ok homie, keep your eyes closed, just a little bit longer, and,” He pulled his hands away from Mendel’s eyes. He gasped loudly at the setup. The room was dim, with romantic lighting and candles illuminating the seating area, smooth jazz playing softly in the background. On the table sat a fancy steak dinner for Whizzer, and a small cut of meat with some spaghetti for Mendel. Two wine glasses were set up, with an expensive-looking bottle off to the side. In another part of the room, there was a mini-fridge, which Whizzer had stocked with Alcoholic Snapple and some of Mendel’s favorite freezie treats. Mendel held Whizzer’s hand and leaned back to look up at him. 

“Homie,,,,,,, this is perfect.” 

Whizzer chuckled and rested his chin in Mendel’s curls and held him close. 

“Well, it’s to make up for the years of anniversaries I’ve missed.” 

Mendel gasped again, and as his voice shook, responded, “Oh, Whizzer, it’s amazing!” 

He smiled into Mendel’s hair. 

“It was nothing. You deserve it bro.” 

“Bro…..” Mendel replied, holding Whizzer’s hands to his chest. 

“You wanna start our anniversary dinner, bro?” 

“Of course, bro.” 

Whizzer pulled out a chair for Mendel and motioned for him to sit. He blushed and took his seat. Whizzer pushed the chair in and walked to his chair and sat down, all dignified and shit in his fuckin tuxedo. 

“You look very handsome, Whizzer.” Mendel complimented quietly, still uncharacteristically shy about the whole ordeal. 

“As do you, Mendel dearest.” Whizzer replied, winking at him slyly. “Feel free to start eating whenever, I know you had meetings over your lunch period.” Mendel nodded gratefully and dug in. Whizzer continued. “I wish my intentions were entirely pure, but you know me. So, I decided to kill two birds with one stone on this one, but I need you to understand that I want you to enjoy our anniversary dinner no matter what, okay homie?” Mendel nodded between mouthfuls of spaghetti. “Okay, you know how you and Trina are renewing your vows but we’re turning it into a whole ordeal as we always do? Well, I was wondering, for your bachelor parties, of which Jason and Veronica will be present at one, what would you wanna do? 

Mendel was gazing at Whizzer lovingly. 

“Okay first: you remembered how much I hate mushrooms.” He gestured to the fact that Whizzer’s steak was covered in Unnecessary Fancy Shit while Mendel’s was just a good ol’ fashioned Piece Of Meat. 

“Of course I did homie.” He took Mendel’s hand on the table, rubbing the back of his homie’s hand with his thumb. 

“And second, I guess my ideal bachelor party would be with you and Marvin, and we go to a farmer’s market, then maybe to a plant nursery or greenhouse, then a bake shop, then maybe have an old timey movie marathon at my secret bunker, then we take the tigers for a walk, and maybe do Guy Stuff like start building some of the tree houses and other outdoor things I’ve got planned for the tigers, but we could do that with Jason and Ronnie at the PG bachelor party. Afterwards for both parties we go out to the fields with the multitude of pickup trucks I own and we fall asleep under the stars.” Mendel looked a little sad as he finished. “My parents and I used to do it all the time.” He smiled fondly at the memory. “We should probably invite them to the redo wedding. Knowing them, they’ll start bitching about it on Facebook until they die and then they’ll just haunt me to keep guilt tripping me over it.” Whizzer laughed sheepishly. 

“Ha ha yeah absolutely that goes without saying,” He paused. “whatwouldyoudoifyourhomiewho’sbeenworkingsohardonplanningthesepartiesgoofedupandalreadyinvitedthem?” 

“I- What?” 

“WHICH ONE UH YUZ DOESN’T KNOW OW TUH FLUSH UH TOILET AFTER THEH’VE HAD A SHET”


	2. cringe culture is dead and miku binder thomas jefferson killed it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scotswomen, southerners, and midwestern Jewish farming families, oh my!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh back again   
im really sorry this took so long but i've finally gotten the motivation to start writing again so hopefully you'll be hit with an onslaught   
anyways enjoy!!

Mendel looked at Whizzer. 

“What did you d-” 

“IT WASN’T ME!” 

“WELL IT WAS FOOKIN ONE UH YUS!” An inhale. “DISGOSTANG”

Mendel had his face in his hands. He looked up at Whizzer. “Please don’t tell me you-” 

“SARAH YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WE’RE AT AN ACADEMIC INSTITUTION AND WE NEED TO KEEP OUR VOICES DOWN SO AS NOT TO DISRUPT CLASSES OR EMBARRASS OUR SON” 

Mendel was attempting to hide under the table. 

“WELL FUCK ME HARRY, I HADN’T NOTICED WE WEREN’T IN MINNESOTA ANYMORE” 

Whizzer wasn’t sure, but he thought he heard Mendel reciting a prayer from beneath the table. A new voice chimed in. 

“Guys, please, Can we quit yelling?” 

Stifled laughter from the second voice. 

“I DON’T KNOW, BEN, CAN WE?” 

A loud smack! was heard, followed by a hissing sound. The first voice yelled “CREEPER” as Mendel was emerging from beneath the table. Once he’d reached the doorway, he sighed and replied, “Aw, man.” 

There was silence. 

Then, Mendel was being tackled out of the doorway by two very tall silhouettes, while two significantly shorter figures walked calmly behind them, both smiling softly. One of them stopped at the door and gestured at Whizzer. The other nodded and motioned for him to join them. He slowly rose from his seat and followed them out the door. What he found shocked him. 

The two figures who had tackled Mendel earlier had him pinned to the ground, and both were hugging him tightly. The woman who had motioned for Whizzer to join the group in the hallway chuckled quietly before lightly kicking the dogpile. There was a muffled yelp before a very handsome man rolled onto his back, away from the pile. He glanced at the woman still holding Mendel. 

“SARAH YOUR WIFE KEEPS ABUSING ME MAKE HER STOP” 

Now a very beautiful woman rolled away from Mendel, but on top of the handsome man, and kicked his shin before getting up and brushing herself off. 

“BEN THEY’RE BULLYING ME HELP” 

The other woman, Anna, presumably, patted Ben on the shoulder and told him to finish the ritual and kick Harry too. 

“BEN PLEASE I LOVE YOU DON’T KICK ME IN FRONT OF OUR SON” 

Ben gave Harry a neutral smile before pulling his leg back in preparation for The Kick, only to immediately put it back down and lean over to pull Harry up. Harry, now visibly taller than everyone in the vicinity, cowered behind Ben. Sarah made a move like she was gonna fight Harry, which caused him to scream and duck behind Ben completely. A moment of silence, then, “Hey Ben, has anyone ever told you you’ve got a great ass?” Whizzer saw Ben turn pink, before Anna replied, “Yeah, you, multiple times a day, usually whenever you have the chance to get a good look at his ass.” Sarah grinned devilishly. 

“Then I think you usually take him away to fuck him.” 

Harry appeared over Ben’s shoulder, looking indignant. “Now that is just rude!” Wait, did Whizzer pick up a hint of a Southern accent in Harry’s voice? Oh, the Weisenbachfelds were certainly an interesting group. 

Ben, still blushing, cleared his throat. “I mean, it’s true.” Gagging noises from the women. 

“Wait, where’s Mendel?” asked Sarah, gesturing to where he had been pinned to the floor. Mans was gone. Whizzer sighed. 

“Okay, I’m gonna need some context for all of this, but first, let’s locate the tiger man.” Sarah laughed. 

“That’s right! You guys call him tiger man! We usually just call him by his old childhood nickname.” 

Whizzer cocked his head in interest. 

“He’s never told you what we call him? Oh, we’ll have to have a little talk about that.” Sarah growled, pounding her fist into her palm, seemingly subconsciously, which just terrified Whizzer more. “Anyways, we used to, and still do, call him Almond Eyes.” 

“BECAUSE HIS EYES ARE BROWN AND THEY’RE SHAPED LIKE ALMONDS AND HE’S ADORABLE I LOVE HIM” Harry declared, before mumbling, “i also personally call him lil’ almond eyes and stuff like that, but only when we’re alone.” 

Whizzer sighed and rubbed his face. This was giving so much context for my Mendel is the way he is. 

“Okay. Let’s just focus on finding Mendel. He could likely be anywhere on campus by now.” He turned to look down the hallway and saw Mendel log rolling to a corner before scrambling to his feet, pointing at his parents and yelling “YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE” before sprinting around the corner. His footsteps were silent. 

“How can we not hear him run?” Whizzer asked. 

“He took dance for 15 years,” replied Anna, smiling fondly. “He knows how to be light on his feet. He always did love the ballet.” 

Whizzer was getting so much tea on his homie it was unreal. Harry made an impatient sound. “Let’s go already! I wanna fuckin GET ‘IM” He was sounding more and more like the dudebro frat boys that littered the campus. Sarah joined him, deepening her voice as much as possible. 

“Yea-heah, bro! LET’S GOOOOOO!!!” They were now jumping around in that way frat boys do. Ben was mortified. 

“imarriedafratboy imarriedafratboy i MARRIED a FRAT BOY” 

Anna attempted to comfort him, patting him on the back and saying “But isn’t that what you always wanted? To marry a well-meaning idiot?” 

“Did you just insinuate that frat boys are well-meaning idiots? Anna, be realistic. Only a small percentage of frat boys have good intentions. The others lack the brain capacity for such nuances.” Ben replied, looking like he was ready to go on a rant over this. 

“Can we PLEASE just go GET HIM” yelled Harry, having finished his stretches and assumed a sprinter’s starting position. 

“On your marks,” Sarah climbed onto his back. “Get set,” The two got into position, ready to take off running. “GO!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you made it!!   
feel free to leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed! it really helps with that motivation i said i had earlier, as well as "self-esteem" whoever that is  
thank you so much for reading, and have a great rest of your day!


	3. make it make sense, babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when an emotionally repressed man sees his parents for the first time in an unknown amount of years? 
> 
> Apparently, pondering life's soundtrack, hiding in the vents, and being held by your father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the bitch is back! idrk what else to say, except my tumblr is still writingbitchass, so feel free to follow if you want, and please enjoy chapter 3!

If life had a soundtrack, there would be quite a few options for what would be playing right now. Kill Bill sirens? Maybe. Horror movie chase music? Plausible. That anxiety inducing stuff in nature documentaries? Probably. The Benny Hill chase theme? Bingo. 

Needless to say, he felt like he was being chased. He also knew there was no way in Hell he was going to escape. He may have the terrain familiarity and ballet training, but he is Short. Harry and Sarah, his main pursuers, are Not. So, while he may have had a head start, the sheer sprinting power of Harry Hebert-Weisenbachfeld, and Sarah Sinclair-Weisenbachfeld could destroy people’s whole careers. He knew his only chance to escape would be to completely utilize his knowledge of the terrain to his advantage, he might be able to get out, but his chances were slim. 

He could hear Harry and Sarah coming after him, so he did what any normal person would do, and climbed into the vents. Before long, he heard them run past, and he dropped back down and was dusting himself off because you can’t hide from your family if you ain’t cute, when he saw him. 

“Benjamin.” He said, devoid of emotion. 

“Son.” Replied the man, mirroring his expression. 

Oh, two can play at that game, you fucking librarian, thought Mendel. 

“It’s good to see you.” Ben said, smiling gently. Mendel’s defenses were crumbling. He wanted a hug. “Come here, buddy.” Ben opened his arms to his son, and Mendel ran to him. Ben held him tight, gently rocking him back and forth, soothing him quietly. Soon, the others returned, being dragged by Anna, and, akin to a puppy seeing its owner for the first time all day, began jumping around excitedly. Then, once they’d calmed down marginally, they went in for a group hug. Mendel felt very small. To cope with this, he began to cry. 

“I m-missed you guys so,” he took a moment to try and collect himself. “So m-much!” 

Whizzer rounded the corner, saw the Weisenbachfelds, and decided to take pictures. Once the group disbanded, he cleared his throat to gain their attention. 

“I reckon that your wife would like to meet your parents, Mendel. And heck, maybe on the way you can tell me some of your life stories.” 

Ben snorted. “I just realized you have zero context for any of this. You must be so confused.” 

Mendel jumped into his father’s arms, and they made their way to the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you made it! next chapter's gonna be a different pov, and i'm excited to show another side of this story! 
> 
> anyways, if you enjoyed, don't be afraid to leave a comment or kudos, and have a great rest of your day!

**Author's Note:**

> you made it to the end!!!!! 
> 
> just to wrap up, my plea to any and all Jewish people that they help this poor lil boy (i am just kidding please do not feel obligated to take time out of your day to help a stranger) is still open, comment and kudos to feel better about yourself even though you're great the way you are, and last, but certainly not least, 
> 
> THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!


End file.
